


Nightmare

by Flamefyre



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AU, Amnesia, It'll turn out happily I promise, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-10-06
Packaged: 2018-04-15 15:57:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4612650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flamefyre/pseuds/Flamefyre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follow orders. Find intel. Kill anyone who gets in the way. Organization XIII. It was the way they were all taught, and the way they lived. But will it last forever? AxelRoxas, AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

The smell of oil was thick in Axel's nostrils as he threw aside the can. His black hood was pulled up, and only his mouth and nose were showing. He crouched down and grasped the neck of the prostrate body lying before him, pulling the man into a sitting position.

"I'll give you one more chance.  _What did you tell them?_ " he rasped, releasing his grip so the man could speak.

"I—I don't know what you're talking about! Please…!" Tears were coursing down the man's panicked face as he stared up at Axel's cloaked form.

Axel stood and backed away. Reaching into a pocket of his long black coat, he pulled out a box of matches. The man on the ground saw the flame when the match was struck and panicked even more, his pleading escalating. Axel slammed him into the ground with a well-placed foot in the center of the chest. The burning match lit up the part of his face that was visible from under the hood. One corner of his mouth turned up in a wicked smirk.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire," he whispered, his voice quiet, deadly.

The match fell.

* * *

The punch would have broken his nose if he hadn't blocked it. Xigbar was always bitching that enemies didn't pull their punches, so neither would he. The blond boy sparring with him had felt his knuckles many times, and wasn't anxious to be reacquainted with them any time soon.

Xigbar jabbed at the blond boy's ribs, was deflected, and turned to land a roundhouse kick to the side of his opponent's head, sending the boy halfway across the room. The blond curled up as he hit the wall with a  _thud_ , arms coming up to protect his head.

"Brat, ya forgot to watch my feet!" Xigbar bellowed. "What if I had really been tryin' ta hurt ya?" He strode over to the boy and offered him a hand.

The blond picked himself up, holding his head with a moan. "You mean you  _weren't_?" he groaned, touching the tender skin of his cheek and spitting out a mouthful of blood. "You almost knocked my teeth out, old man!"

Xigbar was preparing a heated reply when they both heard someone clapping.

"Roxas, all right! Fight, fight, fight. Looks like you got your ass kicked good this time." The blond boy whipped his aching head around, glaring.

"Shut up, Axel," he grumbled as he caught sight of the tall figure. Axel pushed back his hood, revealing a sharp, angular face with acid-green eyes, framed by long, spiked red hair. Black teardrops were tattooed under his eyes and his grin was fox-like and mocking.

"Aw, is that any way to greet your best friend, Roxy?" Axel whined, his grin never slipping. Roxas scowled.

"Get away from me, creep. And don't call me Roxy." Despite the harsh words, a small smile tilted Roxas' lips. "How was your job?"

Axel's face lit up. "I got to burn things," he said, deliriously happy. "God, Rox, you should've seen the flames. It was  _amazing_."

Roxas laughed. "You really like it when people don't cooperate, don't you?" he said mildly.

"Well, of course. Otherwise it's no fun."

Roxas laughed again. "Well, come on. I'm hungry and my face hurts."

Xigbar scowled. "Hold it. We ain't done, brat! You've still got ten minutes left on the clock!"

"Can it, old man," Axel shot over his shoulder as he threw an arm around his friend. "Take it out of my pay or something."

"WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ME OLD?" Xigbar fumed after them. "This is premature gray hair, bastards! Premature, I tell you!"

Axel and Roxas grinned at each other. "Whatever you say, Gramps!" they yelled in unison, sprinting out of the room and down the hall. Xigbar's curses followed them as they ran to Roxas' room, bolting the door behind them.

"Ah, he's pissed," Axel got out, laughing so hard tears were running down his face. Roxas was in a similar situation.

"Oh my God, he's gonna kill me tomorrow," the blond giggled, collapsing on the bed in a fit of laughter. Axel calmed himself down and leaned against the wall.

"Wanna go see what's for dinner?" he asked finally. Roxas raised his eyebrow.

"Should we let him cool off first?"

"Naw, then we'll be late and Xemnas'll have our asses. It'd be a shame to lose such a specimen," Axel replied, turning to display his backside and looking in the mirror intently. "Don't you think?"

* * *

They entered the dining room, fervently avoiding Xigbar and the daggers he looked at them, and parted to sit in their assigned chairs.

"Good evening." Xemnas greeted everyone from his place at the head of the table. "Axel, report." Obediently, Axel got to his feet.

"The target refused to tell me anything—nothing about the conspiracy, not even if he was involved or not. So I burned him." He sat down.

"Thank you, Axel. As you all can see, we're having no luck with this. The client is displeased. I want leads, and I want them now. Xaldin, you do some digging on the company. Find out if there are any deep dark secrets we need to know about. Axel, Roxas, when he finds information, I'm putting you two on assassination duty. Am I clear?"

"Yes, Xemnas," everybody chorused.

"Good. Now, let's eat."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violence warnings for this chapter

They lay on the roof, looking up at the stars and making up their own constellations. Axel pointed up into the sky.

"There's one. See? It looks like a cow."

Roxas squinted. "I see a moose, not a cow."

Axel pushed himself up on one elbow. "Fuck you! It's a cow!" He would have continued his rant, but Roxas had a strange look on his face. "Rox? What's up?"

"How did you end up here, Axel?" the younger boy asked, looking over at him with earnest blue eyes. "I mean, I know Xemnas got you off the streets. But how did you get on the streets?"

Axel sighed. "Roxy, that's not something I want to talk about, any more than you want to talk about  _your_  past."

"That's different," Roxas protested. "I don't  _remember_  my past. The only memories I have are of Xemnas plucking me off the streets in the pouring rain when I was wandering around the city, not knowing who I was."

"Let's just say I had a bad childhood, Rox, and leave it at that." Axel would say no more. He felt bad for denying that willful face, especially after everything the boy had been through. He had been no more than a shivering bundle when Xemnas had introduced the thirteenth member of Organization XIII. Axel remembered it like it was yesterday, even though ten years had passed. He'd been thirteen at the time, new to the trade but not to the lifestyle, and one look at the small, shuddering child and he'd known that this boy would rise to the top. There was fire in his deep blue eyes, fire and pain, and Axel knew that this boy, this Roxas, would be a formidable enemy to have.

Of course, they only discovered his name a few months later when parts of his memory returned. Vexen had examined the boy and judged that there was no physical reason why his memory had been wiped blank; there was no head trauma of any kind, which led the scientist to believe that the trauma had been emotional, and even with therapy, the only thing Roxas was eventually able to recall was his name. Vexen had made an educated guess that the blond was about seven years old, and Xemnas required no more. To be a member of the Organization, all one needed was a name.

Roxas had indeed come far, Axel mused. Not half a year after the boy had arrived Axel had taken him under his wing, and before long they were thick as thieves, the age gap between them seemingly forgotten.

"Axel? Axel, are you even listening to me?" Roxas' voice broke into the redhead's thoughts.

"Huh?"

Roxas sighed. "Never mind. Forget it. Our pasts don't even matter anymore, do they?"

Axel looked back up at the inky black sky dotted with silver. "Nope, Roxy, they sure don't. We don't need pasts to kill." He flashed a grin at his young friend, and Roxas returned it.

"Speaking of killing—" Roxas broke off as there was a humming sound, and they both jerked as the electric current flashed through their bodies. Axel rubbed his wrist where the shock bracelet cut into his skin. "Looks like Xemnas found something," Roxas said quietly.

"Let's go," Axel agreed, uneager to feel the bite of electricity again. They slipped off the roof and back through the window into Axel's room, and from there they made their way to the common room.

* * *

No one else but Xemnas was there when Roxas and Axel entered the room. "Xaldin has something," the silver haired man said by way of greeting. "Half a year ago, Strife, Inc. embezzled a large sum of money from the client's company. They have no love for each other, and Strife refuses to return the money. I want you to give them a warning."

Axel cleared his throat. "This warning wouldn't have anything to do with a dead body, would it?" he asked with a wicked grin. Roxas snorted his laughter at the redhead's eagerness.

"You always were easily pleased, Axel," Xemnas said, looking down his nose at them. "I want you to get rid of someone in Strife's family. It doesn't matter who it is, but make it someone he will miss. His house is impregnable, some say, but I have no doubts that the two of you will get it done. Do not think to return until the job is done."

* * *

"So what do you think?" Roxas asked. "The wife? The son? The mistress?"

Axel snorted as he put up his hood. "There is no mistress, you twit," he said. "I say the wife."

"I say the son," Roxas objected. "I mean, think of what it would be like to wake up and go to your kid's room to find nothing but their bloody corpse?"

"Yeah, but think of waking up  _beside_  that bloody corpse." Axel could feel his blood humming with anticipation as they walked through the shadows.

"Too risky." Roxas discarded the idea. "Let's do the son. He won't be in the same bedroom, so there's almost no chance that Strife will wake up. We don't know if he's a light sleeper or not, and Xemnas expressly said not to kill him. If he wakes up while we're slitting his wife's throat, we'd have no choice.

"You're no fun, Roxy," Axel whined. "Take a few leaps of faith for once."

"Not with this," Roxas said firmly. "You saw how uptight Xemnas was. This job's important. We'll do the son."

Not a quarter-hour later Axel was opening up the security panel on the side of the Strife mansion. Wires ran everywhere, and Axel knew that if he cut the wrong one, it could cost them their lives. Picking through the brightly colored strings, he separated one from the rest and snipped it with the wire-cutters in his hand.

"That should do it," Roxas whispered. "Come on." They crept around the house to the back door, flattening themselves against the wall as they saw a beam of light approach. Axel waited until the security guard had moved past them before he slipped up behind him, silent as a wraith. With a savage jerk, the redhead broke the unsuspecting man's neck with a resounding  _crack_. Axel and Roxas both froze, listening for sound of stirring within the house, but they heard nothing.

Roxas had crept to the door and was deftly picking the lock. His hands were skilled and the door was swinging open in the work of a minute. The hinges were well-oiled and made no noise as they moved.

The two slipped inside the house. They both saw well in the dark, and Roxas motioned for Axel to stay and watch his back. The redhead nodded and disappeared into the shadows, keeping a peeled eye as Roxas moved quietly down the hallway and around the corner.

Axel waited, moving through the house as well but keeping to the shadows and watching for any guards. He saw Roxas disappear into the room he knew belonged to Cloud Strife's son. Xemnas had provided them with layouts of the house before they'd left the Organization headquarters.

Several minutes passed, and Axel shifted. Where was Roxas? How long did it take to cut someone's throat? His ears pricked up as a floorboard creaked.  _Shit, Roxas, where are you?_  Just as Axel was about to go and drag the blond from the room himself, he saw the familiar figure moving quickly towards him. Even in the dark his expression was clear. Roxas' face was milk-white, his blue eyes large in their sockets as panic washed his features.

"What the fuck happened?" Axel hissed as loud as he dared.

"We have to go," Roxas answered. "We have to go  _now_. I hit a creaky floorboard, and I heard people stirring." Axel caught his arm.

"What the fuck happened?" he repeated. "You were in there for ages—"

"Axel, please," Roxas bit out. "Now isn't the time. Let's  _go_." With a curse, Axel obeyed, and they slipped outside into the night, darting across the lawn and into the forest, running lightly but quickly.

When they were a mile away and panting hard, Axel stopped running and grabbed Roxas by the shoulders. "Did you do it?" he snarled. "Is it done?"

"Yes! God, Axel, let go!" The redhead obeyed.

"Will you tell me what happened?" he asked, his voice still a harsh whisper.

Roxas shook his head, his face still white as death. "He woke up," the boy murmured. "I hit a creaky floorboard and he woke up, he  _saw_ me, and I did it, I—killed him, but he choked, he made a noise, and I could  _feel_  people moving upstairs, and I knew they'd woken up, and—" He broke off, breathing hard. "It's done, Axel. Let's go back."

Axel followed his friend back to the Organization, but something was nagging at him. There was something Roxas wasn't telling him. He left it alone, though, realizing that whatever had happened in the boy's bedroom had shaken Roxas to the core, and he wasn't ready to talk about it.

They arrived back at headquarters, and Roxas still hadn't spoken. Axel sent him to bed and made the report to Xemnas himself. Roxas went gladly, giving his friend a grateful look before heading to his room and undressing for bed. He ran his knife under cold water and scrubbed the blood from its surface in a daze before curling up in bed and squeezing his eyes shut. Memories came back to him unbidden.

_Roxas crept into the room as silent as the grave. He could see the figure of a boy outlined on the bed, sleeping peacefully. Drawing his knife, the blond made his way to the bedside. As he did so, a floorboard creaked, the noise seeming loud enough to wake the dead in Roxas' ears. He froze as the body stirred, and a bedside lamp switched on. A boy who couldn't have been more than a few years older than Roxas sat up in bed, blinking. He had spiky brown hair and large blue eyes, so similar to Roxas' own…_

_Too late, Roxas remembered that he'd lowered his hood for better vision, and he felt almost naked as the Strife boy looked at him squarely. The boy's mouth dropped open. "Roxas?" he whispered as if in awe._

_Roxas' eyes widened and he froze at the sound of the voice, the hand holding the knife trembling. Quicker than a flash and before he even knew what he was doing, his other hand shot out and gripped the other boy by the hair. With a jerk, he drew the blade across his throat, feeling warm blood hit his cheek as it sprayed. The boy choked, a sound that was much too loud to Roxas' sensitive ears. He could hear the other members of the household stirring in their beds, and he panicked, fleeing the room and the boy that had recognized him, the boy he had no memory of, the boy he'd killed._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more violence warnings I guess

Axel was worried. It had been two weeks since he and Roxas had snuck into Strife's house and killed his son, and the blond boy had barely spoken a word to him since. Now, they were seated on the roof again, the only place away from prying eyes and ears, and Axel was determined to find out what was troubling his friend.

"Roxas," he began. The boy looked over at him, eyes sunken in a gaunt face. It looked as if he hadn't been eating or sleeping well. "Will you tell me what the hell is up?"

Roxas rolled his eyes and laughed, a weird not-funny laugh that Axel hated immediately. "Nothing's wrong, Ax. I've just had a stomachache lately."

"Bullshit." Axel's voice was calm, but there was a dangerous edge to it that even Roxas couldn't ignore. "Ever since the Strife job you've been fucking up. Last week Luxord almost broke your nose in training. You haven't let anyone do that in  _years._  What's on your mind?" The redhead trained his acid-green eyes on Roxas, refusing to look away.

"I told you," Roxas began, jumping when Axel's fist crashed into the rooftop between them.

"Yes, you've told me," Axel snarled. "You've told me pretty little lies that you're  _oh so fine_  and  _life's just peachy_. I'm not buying, Rox.  _What the fuck is going on in your head?"_  His voice had risen in volume until he was nearly shouting. Roxas frowned, unafraid. His eyes clouded.

"I…"

"Yes?" Axel prompted.

"I want to leave, Ax."

"Nice try. You're not getting away until you tell me what's—"

"No, Axel. I want to  _leave_. I want to leave Organization XIII."

* * *

Axel caught his opponent under the chin with a well-placed kick, dropping the other man like a stone. Rage was pounding through his veins, turning his vision red, and all he wanted to do was _kill_. Straddling his adversary, he punched him in the face, over and over again, blind with fury. He barely felt Luxord and Larxene's arms wrap around him and pull him off the figure lying prostrate on the floor. He was fighting, trying to get back, trying to get something in his hands that he could maim and twist and kill.

"Axel!" Luxord bellowed, shaking him roughly, to no avail. Only several sharp blows to the face cleared the redhead's vision and he collapsed, exhausted. Larxene was up in his grill in seconds.

"What the fuck was that, fuckface?" she snarled. "Look what you did to Marluxia. Look!" She grabbed his hair and forced him to watch a bloody and beaten Marluxia struggle to his feet. "This is _training_! You don't go that far in training!"

Axel tuned her yelling out, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths. "I'm sorry," he bit out. "I lost control."

"Damn right you did," Marluxia said through a mouthful of blood, which he spat onto the white floor. "What the hell is wrong with you, Axel?"

Axel wrenched himself free from Luxord's strong grip and glared at them all before turning on his heel and stalking out of the room. He stomped to his room and slammed the door behind him, falling onto his bed with a groan. He couldn't get Roxas' voice out of his head.

" _I want to leave, Axel._ "

"For God's sake, why?" Axel asked his ceiling, half expecting it to give him an answer. Life with the Organization was all Roxas had, and now he wanted to leave that too.  _And me,_  Axel thought. _He wants to leave me too_. Roxas was his best friend, someone he could laugh with and tell secrets to and let his guard down around. If Roxas left, Axel would be alone. The redhead thumbed the tattoo on the inside of his left arm, tracing the roman numerals over and over again. Leaving the Organization had never even crossed his mind, ever. Life as an assassin was better than anything Axel had ever known, and it was the same for Roxas…at least, it had been.

There were footsteps outside in the hallway, steps that paused in front of his door. Axel sat up, looking over to see Roxas' spiky blond head.

"Axel, I…" Roxas trailed off, looking down and biting his lip. "Never mind." He turned, shutting the door and resuming his walking. Axel frowned to himself, a nagging feeling tugging at his gut. He'd read the emotions in his friend's blue eyes. Sorrow, fear, loss.

Loss. The redhead jumped to his feet, tearing out of his room and down the hallway in the opposite direction of Roxas. He slipped through doorways, following paths only few knew of, and finally emerged in the dark alley outside the Organization's headquarters. A dull lamp was the only light, and Axel melted into the shadows, waiting.

Not two minutes later, he heard footsteps, and Roxas trudged by his hiding place, a scowl on his face. Axel stepped into the light.

"So, your mind's made up," he said softly. Roxas paused, his back to his best friend.

"Where did I come from? I have to know," he said. Axel pushed himself off the wall he'd been leaning against.

"You can't turn on the Organization! You get on their bad side and they'll destroy you!" Anger and hurt laced his words.

Roxas bowed his head, still refusing to look at Axel. "No one would miss me," he replied, disappearing into the darkness of the night.

"That's not true!" Axel yelled after him. He clenched his fists and drove one into the stone wall of the alley, splitting his knuckles. "I would…"

* * *

The next meal was breakfast, and after a sleepless night, Axel joined his family at the table. Roxas' spot was glaringly empty, and they waited in silence for him to join them. Axel clenched his fists to stop his hands from trembling.

"Saix," Xemnas said quietly, his voice still echoing in the large room. "Find Roxas." The silver-haired man took a sip of water from his glass and turned his attention to Axel. "Axel, do you know where he is?"

"I'm not his keeper!" Axel snapped like a wounded animal. "I have no idea where he is." That much, at least, was true. He dropped his eyes to the tabletop and glared at it, hearing Saix exit the room. They all waited in silence for nearly half an hour until the blue-haired man returned, chest heaving from a run through the halls.

"He's gone," Saix reported.

"What did you say?" Xemnas asked, his voice quiet and deadly.

"He is nowhere to be found," Saix repeated, his golden eyes guarded.

In an uncharacteristic show of emotion, Xemnas swept his arm across the table, knocking his water glass to the floor. It shattered into a flower of shards frosting over the floor. Everyone jumped. "Leave, all of you," Xemnas gritted through his teeth, and the rest of the Organization was more than happy to oblige.

Axel was nearly to the safety of the hallway when Xemnas' voice halted his steps. "Not you, Axel. Stay." The redhead closed his eyes in dismay, but turned around to find Xemnas right in front of him. The man's face was impassive as usual, but his eyes burned with fury. Axel wasn't fooling himself. Xemnas was enraged.

"What do you know of this?" the man snapped.

"I don't know anything," Axel replied sullenly. The next thing he knew, Xemnas had backhanded him sharply across the face with such force that Axel's lip split. His head snapped to the side. "I don't," he repeated.

"You're lying to me," his boss said in that same deadly voice. "You think I don't know what happened when I sent you to Strife's house?"

" _What_  happened?" Axel asked, genuinely bewildered now. Xemnas, his eyes burning, thrust a photograph in front of his face. The redhead studied it, recognizing the subject even though the picture was grainy. "Strife's son," he murmured. Across the boy's neck was a deeply puckered scar.

" _Alive_ ," Xemnas hissed. "You didn't kill him. He was taken to a secret area and patched up. It was merely luck that I came by this photograph. Why isn't he  _dead_?" the man thundered.

Axel gaped, his mind spinning.  _Roxas let him live._  There could be no mistake. There was no way the boy would have lived unless Roxas purposely missed the jugular vein. No one who had been trained by the Organization could make such a mistake. Clearly, Roxas had wanted the boy to live.  _But why? It's not like he had any trouble killing children before. He's killed_ babies _before without blinking an eye. Why now?_  "I…" Axel stammered. "I stood guard. Roxas was the one who…he said he was dead!" Dimly he realized he'd pretty much just sold out his best friend, but he was so shocked that the words kept pouring out.

Xemnas hit him again. "You knew he was going to leave, didn't you?"

"I…yes." Axel hung his head in shame. Xemnas seized the front of his black coat and yanked him forward so that they were nose to nose.

"You have betrayed us and everything we stand for," the man said harshly. "Normally I'd cut your tongue out and make you a dusk without a second thought, but I like you, Axel. You're good at what you do and you have more potential than anyone else here. I will give you one chance to earn back my trust.  _One._  Bring Roxas back to me alive so that he might be dusked and perhaps I will let you have your place back. Until then, I will be watching you." Xemnas released the redhead's coat.

Axel was staring at him in horror.  _Roxas…is going to be dusked?_  It was the worst nightmare of one who betrayed the Organization. The victim's tongue was cut out, his eyes sewn shut, and he was doomed to live out his life in the dungeons below headquarters.  _Roxas…_  "I—I can't," Axel choked. Xemnas hit him a third time, opening his split lip even wider.

"You will. One chance, Axel. One chance only."

 


	4. Chapter 4

Axel drew his hood tight around his head. It wasn’t the same as the hood of his Organization jacket, but the gesture still gave him some comfort. The hoodie and jeans Xemnas had given him did little to shield him from the harsh winds and pattering rain, but Axel knew how stupid it would be to wear his Organization coat on a job like this.

 _Job_. The word left a bitter taste in his mouth now. He’d never even considered the possibility of having to hunt down Roxas, but then again, he’d never considered the possibility of Roxas wanting to leave the Organization either.

He headed to Strife’s neighborhood, where all the trouble had started. Something about the family had made Roxas balk, and after studying pictures of Cloud Strife and his son, Sora, Axel had a niggling suspicion as to why. Hands in his pockets, Axel plodded down street after street, looking deceptively cavalier to passersby. About a block from Strife’s mansion, Axel’s sharp eyes caught sight of a familiar petite figure, almost the size of a child. The figure also had a hood up, but Axel would’ve known Roxas’s posture anywhere. He watched the boy disappear into an alleyway and wove his way through the people on the street to follow him.

Roxas was sitting against the alley wall, trying to fit under the eaves to get away from the rain. His head was bowed, and Axel stepped lightly so as not to be notices. In a flash, he’d pinned Roxas against the wall, a knee in his lower back and one hand around his wrists.

“It’s me!” Axel hissed as Roxas bucked in his arms, trying to get free. “Calm down.”

The blond relaxed a little. “What the hell are you doing?” he spat back.

“I wanted to make sure you didn’t run,” Axel said apologetically, releasing him slowly. “Please, just talk to me.”

Roxas turned to him warily. “What are you doing here?”

Axel smiled wanly. “You’re my best friend, Rox. And I know something was buggin’ you. I couldn’t just let you leave without me.”

Roxas punched him in the arm, hard, and Axel yelped. “You idiot!” Roxas struggled to keep his voice low. “If they catch me they’ll dusk me. You think I wanted that for you too? You should have fucking stayed, you asshole!”

“You don’t know what it was like without you,” Axel snapped. “Maybe you should have thought about how your selfishness would affect me before you left with barely any warning!”

“ _My_ selfishness?” Roxas spit back. “I don’t remember who I am or where I came from. And when I went to cut that Strife boy’s throat, he _recognized_ me. Excuse the fuck outta me for flipping out about my past that I _can’t even remember!_ ” He shoved Axel hard in the chest. “I have some connection with that family. I might have killed my own _brother_ or something, Axel! I think I deserve to be a little selfish!”

Axel had stumbled back from the shove, and now he rubbed his chest. Roxas’s shoves were no joke. He frowned a little. “You…don’t know?”

Roxas blinked, still breathing hard from his whispered rant. “Know what?”

“Sora Strife ain’t dead.”

The blond gaped at him, blue eyes wide in his thin face. “What?”

Axel furrowed his brows. “I thought you did it on purpose, Rox. You’re like a surgeon with that knife.”

“I—I don’t—it must have been—” Roxas choked out, then fell silent. “I guess being recognized threw me off?” he asked weakly, then looked at Axel pleadingly.

Axel folded his arms. “Or you somehow recognized him and subconsciously didn’t go for the kill.” Roxas slid to the ground again, and Axel tentatively sat next to him. Hesitantly, he reached out to ruffle his friend’s hair, like he did often, but Roxas’s closed body language made him wary. As soon as he felt Axel’s fingers, though, Roxas leaned into him, and the ruffle became more like a stroke. It flustered Axel a little, stroking Roxas’s hair, but the lost look on the boy’s face told him Roxas was dying to be comforted. “Aww, c’mere, kid,” the redhead said, slinging an arm around his friend. “We’ll figure it out, hey?” he said, voice softer. Roxas leaned against his chest, a little stiffly, and gave a sigh.

“I’m sorry I left,” he said in a low voice.

“I’m sorry I was such an ass,” Axel countered. “I went back and looked at the Strife pictures again, and there’s no way you’re not related to them somehow. I just…felt abandoned, y’know?” Axel fell silent, face going grim as he remembered Xemnas’s orders. Xemnas may have chosen him because Roxas trusted him implicitly, but he had to also know how cruel it was to make him bring in his best friend to be dusked. Partly because of his profession and partly just because it was his nature, Axel had a very gifted tongue for lies, even when they tasted as sour as they did now.

“I should’ve told you everything…I just didn’t want to involve you more.” Roxas spoke into his shirt, still not looking up.

Axel gave him a one-armed squeeze. “Well, I got my stupid ass involved anyways,” he said affectionately. “Whatcha been doing, anyway?”

“I’ve only been out here for a couple nights,” Roxas reminded him. “But it’s been kinda shitty. There’s an abandoned warehouse in the bad part of town that I’ve been sleeping at, but I don’t have any money so I’ve been just nicking food from people’s houses.”

Axel snickered a little at that. “Well, that’s probably the best way.” He shifted a little, taking his arm back from Roxas’s shoulders but keeping close to him for warmth. “You’ve been checking out the Strife house?”

“Yeah, but no one’s there.”

“Xemnas said they patched up the kid in secret. Odds are they’re laying low after an assassination attempt. You been inside?”

Roxas sighed. “No, not yet. I couldn’t pluck up the courage to go inside. The most obvious answer is that I’m Cloud Strife’s son, but when we were still back at headquarters I did some research, and he’s never had another son besides Sora. I ran ‘Roxas Strife’ through all the systems and it doesn’t exist. _I_ don’t exist.”

“Hey, don’t say that. There could be tons of explanations.”

“Like what?” Roxas asked shrewdly, and Axel was forced to shrug.

“I don’t know, man. We’ll figure it out, huh Roxy?” He ruffled his hair.

“Don’t call me that,” Roxas said crossly, but he was smiling.

Thunder cracked then, and they both jumped. “Why don’tcha show me where you’re staying,” Axel suggested. “It’s gonna start pouring soon.”

“It’s right back here, actually,” said Roxas, getting to his feet and disappearing into the gloom that shrouded the depths of the alley. Axel followed him curiously, and sure enough, there was a battered wooden door set into the alley’s wall. Roxas jimmied the lock and they stepped inside, eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness.

“Oh, this’ll be fun,” Axel muttered, looking around. The floor was hard wood, rotted in some places, and there were bits of junk and odds and ends littering shelves that still hugged the walls. “Is there anything useful in here at all?”

“Not really,” Roxas admitted. “But the roof is still tight, so we shouldn’t get wet. Are you hungry or anything?”

“No, just dog tired,” Axel told him. “I forgot how shitty life outside of the Organization was. I been on my feet all day, feels like.”

Roxas smiled wryly. “Pick some floorboards and we can go to sleep,” he joked.

Axel made a face, but gingerly sought out a place that looked a bit cleaner than everywhere else and still had solid flooring. He sat down, stretching out his long limbs and leaning back on his hands. “Sleeping in a bed for so many years has made me soft,” he complained.

“Here.” Roxas tossed something at him, and Axel caught it, recognizing his friend’s Organization coat. “I’ve been using this as a pillow. It’s big enough to share, I think.”

“I wish I coulda brought mine,” Axel said. “But wandering around in broad daylight in a long black coat would’ve been stupid as hell and I wasn’t about to wait until nightfall. Xemnas was getting antsy that I knew something and I wanted to get the hell out.” Roxas had the grace to look guilty, but Axel just flashed him a grin, folding the coat into a pad and sliding it under his head before wriggling to the side to let Roxas lie down next to him. Through unspoken agreement they left a couple inches of space between their bodies. Axel curled up into a ball, pulling his hoodie around his thin body to get warm. The night air was bitingly cold, and he could feel his fingers growing numb.

“I’m glad you came,” Roxas said suddenly, cutting through the silence and dark. “I missed you so much, even after only a couple days. I never thought you’d choose me over the Organization.”

Axel flinched a little at the words, glad Roxas couldn’t see his face in the gloom. “Well, you’re my best friend,” he said quietly. “And I wish you hadn’t made me choose, but I’m happy with the choice I made.” They fell silent again, trying to sleep, but Axel could hear Roxas’s teeth chattering and the sound was irritating enough to keep him awake. Finally he rolled over, sliding an arm around his friend’s waist and pulling him tight against his body.

“What are you doing?” Roxas asked, his voice a little breathy with surprise.

“Your teeth are chattering so loud I couldn’t sleep. At least this way we’ll be warm, right?” Already Axel could feel heat seeping into his body from Roxas pressed against him, and it was making him drowsy.

“Guess so.” Evidently Roxas felt the same, because after a few minutes his breathing evened out and his body relaxed.

Axel stayed awake for a while longer, though his eyelids felt heavy. Despite the sleepiness, his brain kept turning, making guilt flicker in the pit of his stomach. How quickly Roxas had accepted his story! _Would I trust him as much as he trusts me if I were in his place?_ Axel wondered, and before the thought had even finished he knew he would have. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly. This was how Xemnas tested him. Forcing him to choose between his entire life and his best friend, using his fear of being dusked to manipulate him. There was no way they would be able to outrun the entire Organization…it was either spend his last happy days with Roxas or be allowed to live un-dusked and yet empty.

And above all, the feeling of Roxas in his arms was throwing Axel off. They had always been close, inseparable maybe, but sleeping together like this? Axel felt a shiver run through him that had nothing to do with the cold at his back. When Roxas had first arrived at the Organization, he had been so young and vulnerable that they had snuck into each other’s rooms frequently at night and slept in the same bed, innocently wound together to stave off nightmares and loneliness. But several years later when Axel started entering puberty he had put a stop to it, not wanting to explain to a young, wide-eyed Roxas why he sometimes woke up with his boxers soaked and the memory of pleasure humming through is veins when he barely knew the reason himself. His body was very clearly telling him that while he may have had the emotional maturity of his young friend, physically he was becoming a man.

Having Roxas in his arms now felt familiar, remembered after all those years, and yet different at the same time. Now Roxas was the one becoming a man— _had_ become a man already, when Axel wasn’t looking. His body was still small, but Axel could feel the hard, wiry muscles under his hand, remembered how Roxas’s voice had started to crack a few years ago and the grief he’d given the blond, teasing him mercilessly while Roxas sulked. He remembered Roxas’s face losing its puppy-fat, becoming thin and sharp and— _God_ —handsome. But Roxas had always just been his friend, _his_ Roxy, someone he would move mountains for, who didn’t need protecting but who he _wanted_ to protect, to try to preserve any innocence that was left in those blue eyes.

Axel gave a little moan of despair, quiet enough that it wouldn’t wake Roxas. He knew how gorgeous his best friend was, had always envied his looks, but had never wrestled with any kind of physical attraction to him until now, when he was holding him as he slept, curled tightly around him. _How do you bridge those feelings?_ the redhead thought helplessly. _How do you know when it’s more than friendship?_ Often Axel thought the Organization had stunted his ability to discern emotions—after all, you didn’t need things like love and caring when you were a killer—and trying to wrap his mind around it now was making his head hurt.

With a little sigh, Axel buried his face in Roxas’s warm neck and closed his eyes, allowing himself the guilty pleasure of enjoying the blond’s body against his own in the dead of night. His back was still cold, but the furnace in his arms was enough of a distraction to allow him to slip slowly into slumber.  


	5. Chapter 5

Axel woke to what felt like an animal worrying his wrist, but that hadn’t been what had forced him from sleep. He remembered a burning tingle racing through his arm... “What?” he said thickly, squirming, trying to pull his arm back from whatever was holding it. There was a growl nearby and his acid green eyes popped open. “What the hell!” he cried, seeing Roxas squeezing his wrist between his knees, fumbling at it. “What the fuck are you doing, Roxy?”

“Hold still!” the blond growled, and Axel blinked sleep from his eyes, vision clearing enough to see his friend bent over his Organization bracelet, picking at it with something.

Another burning tingle buzzed through Axel’s body and he yelped as his arm went numb. Then, just as quickly, the pain disappeared and his bracelet fell to the warehouse floor with a clunk, still sparking a little. Axel sat up, finally tugging his wrist free and rubbing it. “Whazgoing on?” he complained, still half asleep.

“I can’t believe I forgot about that,” Roxas was saying. He looked visibly upset.

“How did you do that?” Axel asked, finally alert enough to put two and two together.

Roxas held up a small object that looked almost like a futuristic key. “I nicked it from Vexen before I left. I figured, if he’s the one who puts on our bracelets, he can also take them off.”

Axel stared at his wrist, feeling almost naked without the ever-present bracelet. They weren’t tracking devices per se, but they showed Xemnas’s ownership and the Organization leader was capable of sending a shock strong enough to stop one’s heart through them. He didn’t tell Roxas that Xemnas wouldn’t have sent such a shock to _him_. “I meant to ask you about that last night, but I forgot,” the redhead said. “You took off your own too?”

Roxas nodded, pocketing the key-like device. “The night I left, I ran like hell until I found this place, and then I took it off. I figured Xemnas wouldn’t miss me until morning anyways. Yours buzzing woke me up, though. I’m glad I got to it before he stopped with the warning shocks. He’s gotta know you’re gone by now.”

Axel winced, but nodded. “Thanks for saving me from a crispy death then, Roxy.” He grinned his crooked grin.

Roxas rolled his eyes. “Not with the Roxy again.”

“Hey, you love me for it.”

“You wish!”

They laughed, and Axel lay back again, adjusting to the new light feeling of his wrist. “What time is it, anyways?” he yawned.

“Still early. Probably around breakfast time, back at the Organization.”

Axel groaned. “I feel like I didn’t sleep at all.” His stomach growled and he looked at Roxas pitifully. “And I’m hungry.”

“You are such a baby sometimes,” Roxas snorted. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m really the younger one.” He moved over to one of the shelves and rummaged around a little, coming up with a loaf of bread. “This is all I have right now. I need to get more food today.” He tore off a chunk and then tossed the remainder of the loaf at Axel.

“I always forget how shitty it is on the streets,” the redhead sighed.

“At least we have the skills the Organization taught us,” Roxas pointed out through a mouthful. “It’s better than being some helpless kid.”

Axel’s mouth hardened. “Yeah,” was all he said, and Roxas quietly studied his face, wondering, not for the first time, what the other man had been through.

After they’d eaten, shivering in the early morning chill, Axel stuck his head out of the door, checking to see if the alley was clear. “Still raining a bit,” he told Roxas. “Whatcha wanna do? You game to check out Strife’s house?”

Roxas chewed his lip. “Better to wait till nightfall for that, right?”

“Not if no one’s home,” Axel objected. “Let’s at least case it, hey?”

Shrugging, Roxas smiled. “I guess we can do that.”

They had to leave Roxas’s coat behind; it would be impractical to wear it during the day. Hugging themselves against the light rain and chill wind, Axel and Roxas wove their way through the sea of people on the streets until they were leaning against the low brick wall that circled the Strife mansion.

“Everyone’s going to work right now,” Roxas hissed out of the side of his mouth, trying to look casual. "You think we can get in without being seen?”

“Where’s your sense of adventure?” Axel asked, grinning.

“Back at the Organization, where we did this kind of thing under the cover of night,” Roxas shot back, but he followed as Axel took a quick glance around before hopping the low wall. The stream of people on the street had slowed to a trickle, and umbrellas obscured the faces of the few who remained. Anyone who saw Axel and Roxas, in their beat-up trainers and baggy clothes, would just think they were a pair of delinquents cutting school. They circled the house carefully, checking for alarms and cameras.

“Everything’s off. I guess they don’t need as much security if they aren’t home,” Axel mused, kneeling to pick the back door lock. Before long he was easing the door open and they were tiptoeing inside. Axel tried to recall the building layouts they had studied weeks earlier. “I think Strife’s room is upstairs, along with his study,” the redhead whispered. He led the way towards the stairs.

“Wait,” Roxas said, tugging his sleeve. The blond was staring in the direction of the bedroom where their troubles had begun. As if in a dream, he moved towards it, stepping inside Sora Strife’s room and glancing around.

“What is it?”

Roxas didn’t answer, only moved to the bed, touching the blanket and sinking down onto the mattress. The sheets had been changed, no longer splashed with blood. Roxas shook his head a little and opened the closet, looking at the rows of shirts and pants neatly arranged inside. Axel, watching silently from the doorway, saw him catch the sleeve of a shirt and bring it to his nose, inhaling the scent of detergent and dryer sheets.

“We used to play together,” Roxas said at last, his blue eyes unfocused and far away. Axel straightened, eyebrows pulled high. “In the yard outside…and the park,” Roxas continued. He was still holding the shirt to his nose. “He was older, but only by a couple years.” His brow furrowed. “I’ve been here, but I didn’t live here. I just came to visit him…to visit Sora.” He touched his forehead, frowning as though it pained him.

“You remembered that?” Axel said at last, daring to hope. Roxas nodded, then suddenly sagged, eyes squeezing shut as he clutched at the frame of the closet. In a few steps Axel was at his side, holding him up as the blond trembled, sweating. His smaller hands fisted in Axel’s shirt and Roxas gasped for air, his body jerking sharply.

“Make it stop,” he gasped. “Oh, god, Axel make it stop.”

“What?” Axel asked, panic creeping into his voice. “What the fuck is wrong? Roxas!”

“There’s blood,” the blond choked out. “Blood everywhere, and I can’t—” he broke off, tears working their way out of his tightly shut eyes.

Axel held him up, trying to remember the last time he’d seen Roxas cry. And at blood? There was plenty of blood in their line of work, and it had never bothered either of them before. They were much too hardened to let something like _blood_ cause emotional distress. “Roxas,” he said again, helplessly, not knowing what to do. His friend was writhing as though in pain, his face white as chalk and his eyes screwed shut. “Roxas, please, just calm down,” Axel tried, feeling completely powerless. He could kill without blinking, could lie his way out of a sinking ship, but he had no idea how to deal with his best friend having some sort of fit.

The sound of his voice seemed to ground Roxas a little, so Axel kept talking, hardly aware of what he was saying. “It’s okay, Rox, you’re here with me, there’s no blood anywhere, see? We’re just trying to find out where you’re from, what connection you have with the Strifes, please, Rox, just calm down.”

His friend took a deep, shuddering breath, his forehead against Axel’s chest and his hands still tightly wound in his shirt. Axel let him go experimentally, pleased when Roxas seemed able to stand on his own. He led the blond to the bed and sat him down. Some color had returned to Roxas’s cheeks and he opened his eyes, wiping away tears.

“Okay,” Axel said warily. “You wanna tell me what that was about?”

Shakily, Roxas shook his head a little. “I—I don’t even know. I just kept seeing these images flashing over my eyes, even when they were closed. There was blood _everywhere_ , and a dead woman.” He frowned a little. “She kind of looked like me.”

“Your…mother, maybe?” Axel hedged. “Or a sister?”

Roxas buried his head in his hands. “I don’t know. My gut says mother, but shouldn’t my mother be Tifa? Maybe I’m Cloud Strife’s nephew?” He shook his head. “She didn’t look like _him_ , she looked like _me_. God, I don’t know. It’s making my head hurt just thinking about it.”

“We’ll wait and see if you remember more,” Axel said, hesitantly patting Roxas’s shoulder. “Wanna go check out Strife’s study?”

“Yeah,” Roxas murmured, standing. He was still a bit unsteady on his feet, but no longer milk-white and shaking. They crept up the stairs, peeking in rooms until they found one that housed a large desk that was sagging under the weight of a mountain of papers. “Jeez, this guy is a slob.”

Axel snickered. “No wonder you’re related.” Roxas slugged hard, and Axel winced, rubbing his arm but regretting nothing.

“You think they left anything important behind?” Roxas asked, sifting through some of the papers. Axel shrugged.

“Xemnas said they went underground right after Sora Strife was patched up. I’d say they didn’t have much time to grab paperwork if they wanted their son to live,” he said, glancing at some of the papers. “God, most of this is just boring-as-shit memos and junk.”

Roxas was quiet, and Axel looked up to see him staring wide-eyed at a paper. “Most of it,” the blond said finally. “Not all of it.” He handed the paper to Axel, whose eyes bugged out as well.

“No _way_ ,” the redhead whispered. In the corner of the paper was a picture of Xemnas. A _picture._ With his _name_ next to it. “No one outside of the Organization even knows who Xemnas is!” Axel exclaimed. “Why the fuck does Strife have this lying around? I mean, not all the information is filled, in, but holy _gods,_ Rox, did you know that Xemnas is thirty-seven? Even we don’t know this shit!”

“There’s more,” came Roxas’s shaky voice. “Look, there’s files on all of us. Not a whole lot of info, but there are at least names and faces. Don’t worry, there’s nothing about your past,” he told the redhead crossly as Axel snatched for the papers he held.

“Xemnas told us that Strife was embezzling money from some unnamed client who’d asked us to take care of it,” Axel thought out loud, leaning against the desk. Roxas looked up at him, his blue eyes sharp.

“You think it was something else?”

Axel nodded, narrowing his eyes to slits in his angular face. “I think Xemnas is gunning for Strife. Maybe Strife’s blackmailing him, I don’t know. But this is personal. For someone outside of the Organization to have seen Xemnas’s face…well, you _know_ Xemnas would have a fit over something like that.”

The blond frowned. “Why not just tell us that, then?”

“Because Xemnas is a power-hungry piece of dog shit,” Axel said immediately. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful as hell to him for getting me off the streets, but he’s a megalomaniacal asshole, a control freak. You should’ve seen him when you ran away. I thought he was going to have a seizure, he was so pissed. He’s the kind of guy who likes to be in control. And these,” Axel pointed to the files, “prove that Strife is the one in control here. And Xemnas _hates_ that.”

“You think we should take them?”

“Nah, then he’d know for sure someone was in his house. What we know is enough. You see anything about you here?”

Roxas let out a sigh. “There’s nothing more than anyone else’s file has. Less, maybe. Is that because he doesn’t know or because he already knows me? He has to know I used to play with his son, at least.”

Axel glanced at the clock on the wall. “It’s getting late. Think we should bounce?”

Roxas nodded. “Let’s hit the kitchen first. See if there’s any food they won’t miss.”

Axel snorted. “They’re rich as hell. Of course they wouldn’t miss it.” They replaced the papers as they had found them, then descended the stairs quietly before digging through the pantry and fridge. “Ooh, cookies,” Axel said happily, his voice muffled due to his head being buried in a cabinet.

“We need sustenance, not dessert,” Roxas told him wearily.

“You’re no fun.”

“So you tell me. Frequently. Look for stuff like bread, and you know, fruits and veggies that won’t go bad too quickly.”

Axel tucked his shirt into his pants and started dropping food items down it, shrugging apologetically at Roxas when the blond gave him a dirty look. “What? We can’t sneak out of a house with armfuls of food!”

“I’m not eating stuff that’s touched your gross chest!”

“Hey! Beggars can’t be choosers, Roxy! And my chest is muscular and sexy! Anyone would be glad to eat off it!”

Roxas shuddered. “Yuck. Save it for Demyx.” He grinned evilly at Axel’s shocked look. “Yeah, I know you had a thing with him. Hell, the whole Organization knew.”

Axel turned red and mumbled, “It was just a…stress reliever thing. It didn’t _mean_ anything.”

“I _so_ don’t want to hear about it!”

They stuffed their shirts full, trying to rearrange their clothing so they looked vaguely human-shaped, and not like lumpy aliens. “We’ll just have to be sneaky,” Axel said finally. He in particular was far too thin for it to look normal. They left the house, Axel locking the door behind them with a few quick motions.

It was still during the work day, so most of the people on the street were either elderly or extremely young, and they were few and far between, so Axel and Roxas were able to slip back into the abandoned warehouse without much trouble. Once there, they untucked their shirts, the stolen food falling to the ground.

“Uh, Rox?” Axel asked, feeling a familiar ache in his lower body. “Where do you piss in this place?”

Roxas rolled his eyes. “Just go in the corner of the alley. It’s where all the drunks do it anyway.”

Axel shuddered a little, but he went outside to relieve himself, keeping a sharp eye for any onlookers. When he returned, Roxas had organized the food onto one of the shelves, making the redhead snicker. “We’re so domestic now,” he said. “It’s like we’re an old married couple.”

“You say the weirdest things sometimes,” Roxas told him, but he was smiling. “You wanna take a walk around town?”

Axel stretched like a cat. “Yeah, why not. Ain’t like we’ve got anything better to do.”


	6. Chapter 6

Twilight Town was fairly familiar to both of them. They'd had several jobs about the city, and the Organization's headquarters weren't far from the outskirts. To outsiders, headquarters looked like a normal office, maybe a bit rundown, but legitimate enough that no one approached or questioned its presence. Twilight Town had once extended far into the country, but bankruptcy had forced it to downsize, causing over half of the once-great metropolis to fall into ruin. Some businesses survived, and evidently most people had thought that the Organization was one of them. As it was, that left their headquarters nearly halfway between Traverse Town and Twilight Town, and both cities utilized the Organization's services often.

That being said, Roxas and Axel had only ever seen Twilight Town at night before. Assassination was not a task to be undertaken during the day, even for the stealthiest of killers. They wandered the streets with what was almost abandon, always on their guards but relaxed enough to marvel at the buildings in the sunlight.

Too late, though, Axel noticed they had wandered into the bad part of town, and he frowned, catching Roxas's arm. "We don't want to be here," he told the blond, and Roxas looked up at him with a questioning glance. The redhead's eyes were focused ahead of them, and Roxas twisted to look. He saw nothing unusual. Sure, the buildings were shabbier, but the only person around was a young boy, lounging against a wall not far from them. Yet Axel's mouth was tight as he looked at the boy, and Roxas saw tattoos on the youngster's cheeks. Black diamond tattoos.

"Axel?" he asked, looking up at his friend, at those identical tattoos. The redhead had gone pale, his emerald eyes stark in his face.

"Please," he said, and Roxas was shocked at how helpless the word sounded. "Let's go."

"Okay," Roxas said hurriedly, turning around and pulling Axel with him. The whole walk back to the warehouse was silent, and Roxas slipped his smaller hand into Axel's, barely thinking about how intimate the gesture was. He just wanted to comfort his friend, who still looked as though he'd seen a ghost. Once back inside, Axel sat down, drawing his knees up to his chest, a bitter look on his face. Roxas had never seen him look so vulnerable. "Axel?" he asked tentatively. The redhead's eyes flickered over to him, and encouraged, Roxas continued. "Are your tattoos…are they gang marks?"

Axel let out an almost hysterical laugh, and Roxas flinched a little. "No, Rox, they're not gang marks," the redhead told him.

"Then what are they? Why did that boy have them too?"

Axel shifted a little. "I don't want to talk about it."

Roxas closed his eyes to calm his growing irritation. "Maybe talking about it would help," he suggested. "It did for me."

"Yeah, well, you don't have anything to be ashamed of," Axel snapped. "It's not your fault you can't remember shit. I remember  _everything_  that happened to me!"

Roxas recoiled a little at his harsh tone, then squared his shoulders. "You of all people should know I wouldn't judge you for anything you've done in your past, Axel," he shot back. "I'm your  _best friend_. I've always been there for you—"

"Yeah, until you left."

"Don't give me that!" Roxas blazed. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself! We already talked about that, and frankly, the way you went catatonic back there makes me think you have some things you need to talk about. Who else are you gonna tell?" His voice softened a little, his baby-blue eyes sad. "Haven't we always trusted each other? I know you're hurting…I just want to help."

Axel glared at him. "There's nothing you can do to help, Roxas," he spit out. "You wanna know what these are?" He gestured savagely to his face. "These are ownership tattoos. Yeah, the ones pimps put on their whores. That's what I did before the Organization—I fucked people for money. Now tell me, how can you make  _that_ better?" His chest was heaving and he was shaking with anger.

Stunned, Roxas tried to come up with something constructive to say, but what came out was, "But you were just a kid."

Axel laughed harshly. "You know, Rox, there are a lot of sick people in this world. Enough that there's a demand for little boys to be sluts." He jerked back as Roxas hit him hard across the face.

"You asshole," the blond snapped. "Who the fuck do you think I am? You thought I would look down on you for something like that? For a little boy being taken advantage of? God, you really don't know me at all, do you?"

Axel lowered his gaze, rubbing his tender jaw. "I didn't mean—" He broke off, chewing on a lip. "It's not the kind of thing you really tell people, Rox. It's not a part of my life I want to remember, and it's hard to forget the looks on most people's faces when they find out something like that." Cool fingers feathered over his bruised jaw, making him flinch as Roxas leaned closer to study the damage.

"I'm sorry," he said simply, and those two words held vast multitudes of meaning, but Axel understood.

"Yeah, whatever. It just threw me off, seeing that boy. I didn't think my old pimp had gotten as far as Twilight Town."

"You were picked up by Xemnas in Traverse Town, right?"

"Yeah. I knew where to avoid over there. Here, I'm not so sure." Axel leaned back on his arms, pulling away from Roxas's small, calloused hand on his cheek. "Back at the Organization, it didn't matter." He couldn't seem to stop the words from pouring out of his mouth, now. "No one knew what my tattoos meant, except maybe Xemnas, and he didn't care. Out here, in the light of day, it's just a permanent reminder of what I used to be."

"Anyone who thinks you're still part of that will have to go through me," Roxas said in a low voice, and they grinned at each other.

"I doubt anyone will still think I'm a whore," Axel told him. "These marks in particular mean boys, young boys. It's just that not many of them get the chance to grow up to be men."

Roxas winced at the implications. "What happened to your parents?" He leaned his cheek on one knee, looking at Axel, who shrugged.

"They died. I don't remember them well. I was mostly raised by my pimp and the women he kept."

"That's such a shitty hand to be dealt," Roxas murmured.

"Don't go feeling sorry for me, Rox," the redhead said, nudging him with a foot.

"I'm not," Roxas assured him. "But I do feel sorry for all the other little boys who don't get to grow up."

Axel frowned. "Yeah, me too," he said softly, then shook his head a little. "We're going soft, Roxas." He grinned. "If the Organization could see us feeling  _sorry_  for people, yeah?"

Roxas laughed a little. "They'd dusk us."

* * *

 

That night, curled around Roxas again to ward off the cold, Axel felt the guilt again, sharp and bitter in the back of his throat, like bile. The next day would be two days, and Xemnas would send someone after them, and expect  _Axel_  to help bring Roxas in. The knowledge burned a hole in Axel's belly, making it cramp with pain and he hardly noticed how restless Roxas was until the blond cried out sharply, lashing out with one fist and catching him across the cheekbone.

"Ow," Axel yelped, twitching in surprise. Roxas was whimpering, an uncharacteristically pathetic sound for him, and writhing in his arms—thrashing, really—like a fish out of water. "Hey, Roxy, wake up." He shook his friend hard, slapping his cheeks lightly until Roxas jerked awake with a shuddering gasp, a wet-sounding gasp, and Axel's heart sank as he realized he was crying.

The blond boy almost threw himself into Axel's arms, and the redhead let out a surprised sound as he was knocked backwards, the breath rushing out of him as his arms were filled with a sobbing teenager. "Oh, balls," Axel said eloquently, again struck with paralyzing fear and uncertainty. Hesitantly he reached up and rubbed Roxas's quivering back, feeling his shirt grow wet from his friend's tears. "It was only a dream, Rox, c'mon. Don't cry."

"I'm n-n-not crying," Roxas choked out, muffled against Axel's shirt.

Axel grinned, happy that Roxas was retaining his belligerence even while in tears. He squeezed Roxas in a tight hug, running one hand through his spiky hair. He buried his face in Roxas's neck, murmuring comforting things against the soft skin there. He could smell sweat and Roxas's own unique scent, and after a moment of hesitation, Axel lowered his face further, pressing his open mouth to the sweat-slick skin so lightly it could hardly be called a touch.

Roxas took in a deep breath, finally pulling back a little from Axel, his sobs dying away. "I'm sorry," he said in a strained voice. "I didn't mean to…you know. Freak you out or anything."

"What were you dreaming about?" Axel asked, the desire to keep his mouth on Roxas's neck so strong it scared him.

Roxas shuddered. "It was like the memory at the Strife house…only there was more, I think. I'm not sure how much of it was actually real or not." He closed his eyes, trying to remember. "There was that woman…and another man. A tall, dark man, and he was yelling at her, calling her names, and it's like I was watching from a corner—not a bird's-eye view or anything—and then he has his hands around her neck, and—" He broke off, shuddering.

"And what?" Axel prompted, though he thought he could guess.

"She's stabbing at him with a kitchen knife—a paring knife, I think it's called—trying to make him stop strangling her, and he has the knife now, and she's lying on the ground, cut wide open, and I feel blood hit my cheek, and it smells like copper, all thick and choking." The words wouldn't stop now. "And he stumbles against the stove, and the next thing I know there's fire, fire everywhere. I can  _feel_ it, Axel, oh my god, it's burning me, make it  _stop!_ " he wailed, squirming in Axel's grip.

"Shh, Rox, calm down, there's no fire," Axel told him, smoothing his hand over Roxas's back, feeling the knobs of his spine and his wiry muscles through the thin shirt he wore. He found himself wishing he could feel the blond's bare skin under his hands and hurriedly shoved the thought out of his mind.

Roxas pressed trembling hands to his eyes and took a deep breath, sniffing back his tears. "I'm sick of this," he said wetly. "I miss the amnesia."

"Hey, do you really mean that?" Axel asked, still petting Roxas's back protectively.

The spiky-haired blond sighed. "I guess not." His shoulders slumped. "I just can't figure out what's real and what's not. Or what it even all means." Roxas sighed as Axel's fingers crept up the back of his neck to his temples, massaging gently to fend off his headache.

"Quit worrying so much, Rox," Axel told him. "I ain't gonna leave you be to figure it out all by yourself, okay?"

"Aww, well ain't that cute?" came a snide voice from the shadows, and both Axel and Roxas tensed, jumping to their feet.

"Who's there?" Axel asked, peering through the gloom and wishing he had a weapon.

Footsteps sounded, shuffling forward into a patch of moonlight that was glowing on the floor from a ragged hole in the wall.

"Xigbar," Roxas gasped, and even in the faint light Axel could see he had gone pale.

A cold feeling of dread slowly trickled down the back of Axel's neck as he stared at Xigbar and the older man's wicked grin. He'd known this was going to happen, but the knowledge did nothing to help him prepare. Either way, he was going to have to make a choice, and he wasn't ready to do it.

"What are you doing here?" Roxas was asking Xigbar, and the man's grin widened even more.

"You know what I'm here for," he said in his gravelly voice. "Ya ready, Axel?"

Axel felt the coldness creep into his heart as Roxas looked up at him, his pretty blue eyes wide and questioning.

"What is he—" Those eyes filled with tears and realization. "No…Axel, no." Roxas backed away, shaking his head slowly. His voice was pleading.

Axel's heart broke at the sound. "Roxas," he said uncertainly. "I didn't—I don't—"

"What can you possibly say to make this better?" Roxas snapped, his dismay giving way to anger. "You're gonna turn me in, aren't you?"

"I—"

"What did you expect?" Xigbar interrupted, sounding much too pleased. "You really thought Axel of all people would leave the Organization just to be with you?" He let out a harsh laugh. "Axel would do anything to stay off the street, Roxas.  _Anything._ "

"Do you mind?" Axel hissed at him furiously, then turned to Roxas, reaching out to him, but the blond just backed away again. "Roxas, please, I never meant—" He broke off, trying to find a way to explain how torn he was.

"Just don't, Axel," Roxas told him quietly, his voice breaking a little. "I trusted you, like I always have, and this is what you do to me?"

"I hadn't decided!" Axel burst out, then winced as the blue eyes flashed.

"Oh, you hadn't decided? You hadn't decided if you were going to betray me or not? That makes it  _soo_ much better then, doesn't it? Either way, you lied your ass off, Axel, and I'm done with it." Roxas's voice was hard and cold and mocking, just barely shaking. He turned to Xigbar, holding out his wrists.

The older man raised an eyebrow. "What, no fight?" He sounded almost disappointed.

Roxas cut his eyes towards Axel. "What's the point?" he asked bitterly.

Axel felt a choking sensation in his throat and realized too late that his eyes had filled with tears. At least Xigbar didn't notice as the redhead discreetly turned away and wiped the tears free from his eyes before they could fall. But Roxas noticed, and when Axel turned back again there was pity in his best friend's eyes alongside the anger. He wasn't sure what exactly the pity was directed towards, but either way, for a brief moment, Axel hated Roxas more than anything in the world. He said nothing as Xigbar snapped a pair of cuffs around the blond's wrists, and under the cover of night, he followed the two other men back to the Organization's headquarters. A nagging feeling at the back of his mind was telling him that he'd really fucked up this time, but Axel had no idea how to fix it.


End file.
